The Failing Of Logic
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: Logic has failed me; where is the logic of Death? How can losing someone you love be correct? Spock tries to come to terms with losing his mother.
1. The Failing Of Logic

**Title: The Failing of Logic**

**Summary: Logic has failed me; where is the logic of Death? How can losing someone you love be correct? Spock tries to come to terms with losing his mother. **

**Author's Note: Because I needed to get this out of my system.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own _Star Trek 2009._**

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Since I lost her I have realised what some things really are – certain emotions that I thought I knew before but it turns out I knew nothing. I want things to go back to the way they used to be when I still had everything. I was afraid of Death then but I could ignore it but now? Now I cannot. I'm being forced to think about it and work through my feelings on it. Answers I thought I had are no longer here. Logic has failed me; where is the logic of Death? How can losing someone you love be correct? The only thing that is left in their place is memories, doubt and mixed up feelings and I know exactly what each of these feelings are.

Shock is when I do not understand what I'm being told and I cannot even begin to find a way to work through this in my head. It is when _everything _crashes down in my mind so loud that I cannot think and even when people whisper it sounds like they're shouting at me. The weight of it gets heavier when I sit and try to think about it so I just do not think about it.

Pain is when I try to keep breathing despite the claustrophobic ache inside my body. There are so many things I wished I'd said but now I will never have the chance to. The pressure behind my eyes makes it so tempting just to break down and cry. I used to think pain was getting punched in the face by a bully at school but this is a different sort of pain.

Pride is what makes me hold it together and keep trying to carry on and ignore everything inside me. Take a deep breath and tell myself I'm okay. It is when I plaster a passive expression on my face and keep working and pretending it is all right in the hope that it _will _be all right.

Regret is when I wonder if she will be disappointed in me for not crying and mourning like everyone else. It is when I say something about how I feel and when I think it over I want to take it back because I hate the way it sounds and cannot bear to admit I am hurting so I do not say anything after that.

Anger is when I hate myself for being so "brave" and not letting it get to me. I built a wall and I don't want to let it down. I keep trying to repair it even when it starts to crumble. I see people look at me with worry in their eyes and I do not want them to worry about me but I know their right.

Fear is when even then I cannot cry because I am too afraid to let my guard down. I am too scared to let my feelings show and take control, even for a few moments so I just keep faking.

Confusion is when I cannot even begin to understand what happened because it makes my head hurt. I begin to wonder if there is even a God out there. I feel so alone sometimes and I wonder where she is. Can she hear what I'm trying to say or am I speaking to myself.

Loss is when I do not know where she is because I cannot imagine what there is after death and that fact tears me up inside. I do not want to say this out loud because then it is real and the reality of this is something I cannot face.

Loneliness is when I force myself to carry on in a group of people who do not even know what I am going through. It is when I do not want to talk about it because then my feelings have beaten me but at the same time I want to tell them everything.

Hope is when I want to call her just to see if someone will answer the phone.

Despair is when I cannot even try because I know she will never answer.


	2. The Opposite Of Together

**Author's Note: This was written because I realised recently that it's not just those that have lost someone that hurt. It was previously published as a seperate story but I want to tidy up my account a little bit. **

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Jim's POV

I HATE THIS SO MUCH! I HATE IT! I can't take this anymore. Not again. Everything is so good. Everything _was _so good. Past tense. Now? Well, what now? Now I don't know. The victory against Nero doesn't even seem like a victory anymore. I'm so scared. So angry. So hurt. It's nobody's fault that this happened and that just makes it worse. There's nobody to blame at all. It's nobody's fault she was standing in slightly the wrong place. I'd blame Nero, but Spock had so nearly escaped with his Mom. They were both nearly safe. Something makes me feel that it's my fault though. That's the thing with anger. It's easier if there's somebody to blame. You can't just _be _angry. There needs to be an outlet, doesn't there? I'm so, _so _angry. I wonder vaguely if it's my fault. Is it? Can it be? Is this some sort of punishment? I had a moment where I was afraid of what happened after death. I wondered if God heard my prayers and I was afraid that he hadn't. Was my blip in faith the cause of this? It can't be. I know it isn't. But I find myself blaming me just because I need to blame someone.

I don't know how to make it better. I have to make this better. I need to do something to help. Things aren't right. All the wrong people die. All the _wrong _people. It's not fair and I can't stand this anymore. When I was told this morning that things weren't really all right when I asked, you have no idea how fast my heart was pounding. You have no idea what was going on in my mind; trying to put together any clue from the morning. Trying to make sense of things. Thing is, it _doesn't _make sense. Nothing does anymore. I want to _make _it make sense but I can't. I _can't._ Big word, can't. Isn't it? Maybe it's not so big in the number of letters it has but it's a massive all-consuming word. Cannot. Can't. As in, to not be able to. To be helpless. Odd concept that. I _can't _make things right.I _can't _change anything.

I knew so little of her, but he did. I kinda wish I had known her better. Maybe then I'd be able to understand my first officer slightly more. I never will now. As it happens, I'm here not feeling as sad as he are about the loss itself, but more desperately sad for him. I feel so sad it hurts. It hurts so much that I want to throw up and there's nothing I can do at all. I want to make it right. I care about him (these things happen when you nearly die together), and he's hurting so much.

I feel like I should say something, do something, but I don't know what. I am powerless. I am completely and entirely at a loss. There is nothing I can do and I know that only too well. I've got this feeling, like I should be doing something I don't know. I just _don't. _I feel entirely heartless for being so angry and upset. I never knew her that well. I shouldn't be so upset. I should be able to help to Spock more than I am but all I want right now is everything to be right. I want everyone. Together. Together; another big word. This time in size. It's almost like the word wraps around everyone and holds them close. So much for together.

Selfish as it sounds, I want my Dad. Did he have to deal with this? Did this happen when he worked at Star Fleet? I wish I could talk to him. I wish.

I cannot feel happy and I cannot feel sad. What should I do? What? I'm so scared because I can't help. I'm scared because I don't know what to do. I'm scared because it feels like I'm falling apart. I'm scared because everything is falling apart. Apart... the complete opposite to "together". To be separate… Yeah, well, I guess that fits fine.


End file.
